I have been offered suction as a solution to approximately seven different problems this year. I have accepted it as a solution to none of them.
There was the cupping session, recommended by a colleague who described her practitioner as "genuinely transformative," which left marks on my back for eleven days and cost £65 and did not transform anything except my opinion of the word transformative. There was the facial suction tool, which arrived in algorithmic sequence after I Googled "large pores" at 11pm in a moment of weakness. There was the lymphatic drainage massage, which required a specialist, a specific oil, and a belief system I was unable to locate. There was the cold plunge, which is not technically suction but involves the same quality of commitment to physical discomfort in the name of wellness.
I have been offered breathwork. I have been offered compression therapy. I have been offered a Gua Sha stone, twice, by two different people, and the second time I just said yes to make it stop.
The Sucking Sweet is £52 and also has suction. I was not, in principle, interested in more suction. And yet.
It arrived in a small, discreet box. There was no accompanying booklet about meridians. There was no disclaimer about individual results varying based on your relationship with your parasympathetic nervous system. There was a remote control, which was unexpected, and a USB charger, and a card explaining the sixty-day guarantee, and the product itself: V-shaped, body-safe silicone, five suction modes, ten vibration patterns, waterproof, whisper quiet.
I used it. It worked. Not in the eleven-days-with-marks way. Not in the you-must-commit-to-six-sessions way. In the immediate, no-caveats, actually-does-what-it-says way that £65 worth of cupping emphatically did not.
The remote controls both the suction and the vibration. I note this because "with remote" has, in my experience, come to mean "remote available as a separate purchase for £18." This remote was in the box. I have checked the website and the price is still £52 and the remote is still included and I find this frankly suspicious in the current economic climate but there it is.
The sixty-day guarantee is also in the box. Guaranteed orgasm or your money back. Not "results may vary" or "dependent on individual physiology." A guarantee. The cupping therapist did not offer a guarantee. The lymphatic drainage specialist very much did not offer a guarantee. Nobody else in the suction economy is guaranteeing anything.
I remain, in principle, sceptical of suction as a wellness category. I have tried the cold plunge. I have the Gua Sha stone. I have the colleague's practitioner's card in a drawer somewhere, in case I change my mind about transformation.
The Sucking Sweet is the only suction product I own that I would describe as worth it. I find this slightly annoying. I am noting it regardless.
£52. Remote included. Sixty days. — Charlie
