In case of discovery
Doc ref HX-EP-01 · Revision 2 · Supersedes Rev. 1, withdrawn following an incident
Someone has found it. This notice sets out what to do next. Read it before you need it; there is rarely time afterwards.
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Do not snatch
A calm hand attracts no interest. A fast one attracts every eye in the room. Whatever has been found is now simply an object on a surface, and objects on surfaces are not interesting unless someone makes them so.
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Establish who has found it
Response differs by finder. A child — proceed to 3. A parent — proceed to 4. A houseguest — proceed to 5. Your own mother — proceed to 4, twice.
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If the finder is a child
Children accept explanations in proportion to the confidence with which they are delivered, and no further. Name the object, name its purpose, move on to something more interesting. It is a back massager. It is a sleep aid. It is a torch that does not work. Do not elaborate. Elaboration is what they remember.
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If the finder is a parent
They will not raise it. You will not raise it. This is the arrangement, and it has held for generations. Should they raise it, agree that it is unusual and offer tea.
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If the finder is a houseguest
The guest is a guest. Hospitality obliges them to have seen nothing. Assist them by changing the subject with confidence within four seconds.
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The unicorn
Some discoveries cannot be talked down. If the object has a horn, a face, or ears, no explanation survives contact with the finder. Concede the room. Retrieve the object later. Consider, for future purchases, whether a thing must look like a thing.
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Afterwards
Storage is the whole of prevention. A drawer that opens is not storage. A box that closes is. Charge it where guests do not charge their phones.
Display at adult eye level, out of reach of children.
Review annually, or after each discovery.
Report all discoveries — @huxi.global
Issued by huxi · huxi.global · Authorised C.